Whites overjoyed to discover they all own mines
White South Africans have reacted with amazement and joy to Julius Malema’s revelation last week that they are all super-rich mine owners.
“We thought we were just over-indebted, over-taxed middle-class wage slaves, but it turns out we’re all millionaire tycoons!” said one delighted white person.
“Screw this soul-crushing desk job: I’m off to claim my mine!”
Malema, former President of the ANC Youth League and current President of the League Of Opportunistic Political Parasites, has been vocal in his claims that the country’s mines are still owned by “boere”, and that all whites are fabulously wealthy, mostly thanks to the mining industry.
This morning the country’s white citizens were resigning en masse from office jobs, schools, small businesses and middle-management posts, as news spread about their previously unknown wealth.
“I’m so grateful to Julius,” gushed Barry Beige. “If he hadn’t done the research, crunched the numbers over who owns what, I would never have discovered that I am in fact a super-rich capitalist and not a junior web designer with 20 days of leave per year.”
However, farmer Kosie Kunsmis said he was confused. “Julius said that ‘boere’ own all the mines.
Does he mean farmers or white people, because I know fokol about mining.
Come to think of it, I know folol about farming too, but at least my family have known fokol about it for ten generations, so we’ve managed to be consistent.”
Malema’s revelations have also unsettled South Africa’s black mine owners, with many now wondering whether they are in fact white.
“Julius has been pretty clear that black people don’t own mines,” said platinum magnate, Nouveau Riche-Romotswe, adding that she has been checking herself daily for signs of whiteness, such as a love of dogs and cats, and a deeply rooted belief that everything was about to go to sh!t.
“It’s really confusing because I’ve always had a soft spot for pets, and since Zuma came to power I’ve believed that everything is about to go to sh!t, so does that mean I’ve been a closet white all along? I just don’t know any more.”
Meanwhile, South Africa’s small group of whites who were super-rich before Malema’s revelations are set to lodge a complaint against him for turning the spotlight on their wealth.
“The blighter has gone completely off the script,” explained someone who is too rich to have a name. “The way it’s supposed to go is that we pay the politicians to keep us invisible, the politicians keep the workers uneducated so they’re easily manipulated, and then we wait until they’re so poor that they’ll work 16 hours a day for a potato.
“But all this talk of our money, well, it’s just not cricket.”